Skips a Bit

Journal 87 27 March- 9 April 2023

Well, the title says it all, I guess. I skipped last week and I’ll be skipping next week for these posts.

I don’t think you’re all missing much. I’m doubling down on side work right now. My writing is pushed to the background. A sad state of affairs, and I will admit that I’m struggling with feeling like a failure. This manuscript has taken far too long to come together, and of course I can look back over the last year and see all the breaks I took from writing.

But I can also see all the other obstacles that got in the way… and those lessen the guilt a little.

Excuses

There are always excuses. But do we really need to beat ourselves up? My deadlines are based solely on dates I picked. I’m not writing for anyone but myself right now. I still don’t have an agent, I’m still adamant about traditional publishing, and I don’t make any money writing.

So, if I need to use my time doing other work that makes me money. Check, priority.

I have 10 birthdays this month… those are close friends and family, and myself. Some time will be lost to seeing those people.

I have two Easters. The Easter I spend with my family and Orthodox Easter which I celebrate with my bestfriend/brothers, and have observed for nearly two decades.

Stop the Guilt

So, this blog has dipped into mental health and imposter syndrome and a number of other issues. I struggle with myself quite a bit. I feel like crap for not writing when I’m doing other things. Working on a project to make extra money… I should be writing or reading or outlining something. Laying in bed trying to watch a movie, I should be doing something else… writing and listening to the movie. Or working on anything.

Just sitting still long enough to do a single task is near impossible. To the point where even when I’m reading a book, I often have a movie or podcast on. Despite the fact that I can’t read AND listen to a movie at the same time. But I can’t just concentrate on a single task.

Back in my big-box retail days one of my co-workers would mouth off to management when they gave him too many tasks. He would say, “Yeah, I’ll just shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I run everywhere.”

That’s me. I wonder if it might be ADHD or something like that. I’ve never looked into it. But I often feel like I’m wasting time if I sit still too long… and yet I love to sit and write, listen to podcasts, read, play games, etc. So, it’s not the sitting, it’s the hands staying still. My hands need to keep moving. Keep doing something.

Anyway…

That was a long way to say I haven’t worked on the novel in three weeks. I haven’t even worked on the outlining for the next book, nor the game-world stuff… I haven’t written a single word since the last blog.

(Ok, technically I write notes in all of my TTRPG games, so I did still have those games and did write those notes. I also typed one whole set of game notes into a discord server for one of those games. So, I guess I did spend a few days at the keys, but still, that doesn’t count)

I kind of want to get these blogs to go onto topics again. I know for the most part they are just a journal of my process (or lack of process). Perhaps it’s time to think of an essay again and put one of those up.

Usually this is the point where I run out of steam and switch over to talking about movies and gaming. But even that isn’t much to talk about. Still… do you all want content or just a short statement of my failures?

Podcasts

I have been spending a lot of time on Glass Cannon Network Podcasts. On their Patreon I worked thru all of their Delta Green series, Get in the Trunk. (Link goes to free YouTube season of the show).

Get in the Trunk is a great series, even if they get some of the rules wrong and such, it’s still a mind warp. I finished all of those episodes and moved on to their older material. I’ve been listening to a series called Androids and Aliens (based on a fantasy sci-fi game called Starfinder).

Every so often I skip back to one of my other podcasts, but for the last 2 weeks these have been the whole of my listening.

TV and Film

I have really lagged off from watching movies. I’m normally a 20-30 movies a month type of guy, but instead I’ve put everything into the podcasts mentioned above.

I did start a new k-drama as my interest in the “Eternal Monarch” fell off due to the time travel element. I’m watching a show called Crash Course in Romance… with the very silly (to me) premise of a “celebrity math teacher.” Every time I see stories about how kids in Korea nearly kill themselves for their studies, I just feel sorry for them. Then I remember that their education is so much better than ours, but the cost…?

That’s a topic in and of itself.

Books

Comics. So many comics. I managed to make a dent in the pile the last couple of weeks. Though I eased off this week, so it’s growing again. I’ll probably go up and read a bunch later today as I wait for dinner (I’m writing this the morning of Easter while my house is running wild with cooking and such).

I’m reading the third Simon Scarrow CATO novel. It’s good so far. I enjoy the history and the modern language jammed into the Roman Legions. (Even if it is in English slang).

I’ve also been reading a bunch of RPG books. Just learning other rules systems or absorbing good “fluff.” The new revamped version of Delta Green the Conspiracy came in from Kickstarter and I’ve been checking out Pathfinder 2e.

I have a handful of new Call of Cthulhu Modules to read. It’s funny I’ve never been able to run modules, they just don’t connect properly with my mind and how I run things (though all the podcasts have started to get me to understand how they SHOULD be run and I might change my mind on a few things), but I still buy EVERY CoC module. The information, background, and research in them is just too good to pass up.

Sums it Up

I think that kind of sums it up… the only thing I didn’t mention was working on a model kit, only to find it poorly designed and having to quit halfway thru it. Still stings.

But anyway, I’m posting this live right away instead of the normal Monday morning. There will be no post next week as I will be away for Orthodox Easter, and the week after that should be ok… but we’ll see.

Sorry that these posts aren’t very informative and are more just a journal.

Thank you for reading this far, and I’ll see you all in the next one.