Wasted Time

Journal 116 18 March-7 April 2024

I’m struggling.

The last few weeks have been ups and downs. The joy of my Easter with my family and the pain (guilt) of losing another friend because of cancer.

James A Moore

The world lost a great writer, a friend, and one of the best huggers (top 5 in the Horror… or any genre). James Moore was known for playing mean as he told young writers to get their asses in their chairs and fingers on the keys.

“Get out of my face and finish your manuscript.”

The scowl disappearing from his face almost as soon as he finishes the words. A smile and a hug to follow.

I saw him every year (almost) at Necon, and every time I reported my failure to write I felt down. To the point that for a couple years I almost tried to avoid him. I didn’t want to be a disappointment to Jim.

College and Covid

When I went back to college I got my shit together. I wrote papers, I wrote other stories for classes. I started this website and I hammered out my thesis novel. Right before Covid hit, Jim made it through cancer treatment and I was able to report a finished novel, more outlined, and 300k words written on this website in its first year.

I had his approval. I couldn’t give him a huge hug; he had lost a lot of weight from the chemo and radiation treatments. The bear of a man was a little frail now. But I still felt like he might be proud of me. Or at the least, I was now proud of myself.

I wasn’t a worthless poseur.

As I started my master’s degree, I wrote a long essay about what Jim meant to me, and I tried to get it published in a handful of journals. But finding places to publish is my weakness, even with the two degrees.

Then covid hit. I finished my master’s degree and wrote one, then two, more manuscripts as the years went by. Necon didn’t happen in 2019, and 2020 was an online experience. Then for the last 3 years I wasn’t able to attend. First because my co-worker took that week off, and now because I can’t afford it.

Time isn’t a friend

A lot of us think we can put things off. We all have plenty of time. We’ll find a way to do it tomorrow. I have other things to work through now, I’ll do this thing later.

You don’t know how much time you have.

For four years I never got to see Jim, talk to him, or anything. I didn’t get to hug him, tell him I love him, or talk to him about the other two novels I wrote, and all the words on this website. I didn’t get to erase my feeling that I was a disappointment to him.

I mean, I know he was proud of the degrees, and the thesis novel… but I wanted to show him that I kept going. I kept working.

And I always said, “I’ll see him when I can finally get back to Necon.”

Tell the people you love that you love them.

Crushing Guilt

My emotions are compounded by the fact that I haven’t written anything this year.

I haven’t worked on the revision of the previous novel.

I stopped writing a blog every single week.

I haven’t worked on notes, history, world building, of any sort in over 10 weeks.

I compiled a new list of agents and I haven’t sent off a single damn letter.

No.

I’ve spent my time watching foreign tv shows, memorizing Korean and learning to read Hangeul. I’ve practically ignored my office. Spending as little time in there as possible.

In short, I feel guilty…no that’s too diminished… I feel like a total piece of shit.

Perhaps I’m still in the anger stage.

Writing

A bit abrupt. I know.

This journal is supposed to be about writing but I already admitted to doing nothing. And my promises aren’t worth much to you readers right now.

I will finish the revision and I will start the new novel. I don’t know why I’m procrastinating so hard. Maybe because I feel like this next book is my favorite of the series. The setting is special to me, some of the characters are favorites, and it’s a major turning point with povs of the villains finally coming in.

This book should be the one that excites me the most to write.

Scared to Write

And maybe that is what scares me. I’m so worried about fucking it up. What if I can’t deliver. I keep aiming way too high with all of these books. To many characters. To many balls in the air, can I really juggle all of this? And always I cut out things to try and keep the book smaller.

Let’s gloss over a bunch of the travel. Let’s reveal a lot in dialogue.

My thesis novel probably should have been 300k. I don’t think it feels like the characters are traveling over a thousand miles through a desert. Mostly because I swap between 5 povs and time passes between them. Weeks and days just dropped.

Also, all of the characters able to cover vast distances in a single day. Some of them traveling a 100-miles or more in a day. But was that really clear?

I know in the Pharoah’s Gambit (working title) I double down on the ability of the characters to travel very fast. Their super-human nature allowing them to fatigue less.

Anyway… I’m scared to start.

Other Media

As mentioned above, it’s been a lot of k-dramas this year. Maybe too many. I’m trying to slow down by going back to Critrole and other actual plays. Things that I can listen to but do other work.

That’s been helpful in getting in time to memorize Korean, read more comics, and RPG books. I’m thinking I can also start the revision with these things playing in the background, so I’m finally getting my shit together.

Hopefully in my next journal I will have some progress. Hopefully the first revision sweep will be well under way.

I’m also getting the itch to work on more world building, ideas are bouncing around my head. I like to think that the winter just put me into hibernation and now that spring is trying to come in… I’m waking up again.

Anyway, this week is my birthday week, don’t know if I’ll do a journal next week or skip a week. Let’s see how things go.

Bye. And thanks for reading this far.