Mid-Summer
Journal 123 7- 21 July 2024
Well, I guess I’m doubling down on the “heat excuse.”
My office is no AC, no fan, nothing to mitigate the heat, therefore, let’s wait until Autumn or even later to start the novel. Sure. It’s totally stupid and as I write this journal, I brought a fan into the office so… I could do that at any time.
I’m in a weird funk. I remain creative, working on more and more side projects. While still doing stuff that adds to/ aids the novel as well. I work on maps and stories and art pieces. And all of them have some tangential attachment/ influence on the next novel.
All I need to do is set up the Scrivener file and write the title page. Once I do that, I will be unable to stop.
Why Become so Tough?
The procrastination has been hard on this one. My self-doubt has been huge, more than the previous three books. I think its compounded by the post-covid years. During covid I was finishing my degree and it was exciting to write again. I rode that wave.
I wanted to make my friends/ peers proud of me. I wanted to show off to my heroes (friends) like James Moore and Brian Keene, and feel like a real writer while I was at Necon (Instead of just a fan).
But I haven’t been able to return to Necon since covid. James passed away. And now I feel like an outsider looking in. I’m isolated. Drifting from the friends I’ve know for over a decade through continuous separation.
Which is probably why I’m putting so much energy back into games, side stories, and little art projects. Because those are the things I share with the few people who are still close to me. My gaming groups, my friends at the comic shop, and even some of my family all share those interests. I have people I can talk with about, and be excited to show off the finished project to.
Maybe that’s it?
Don’t get me wrong, I wholly understand that writing is a lonely art. You write alone, and in my case, I have no pre-readers. I have people who often volunteer, but they never finish or follow through. I’ve written three novels and only half of the first one has been read by a handful of people. And 8 chapters of the second book by a single other person.
What I do have though, are friends who will listen if I talk about the story, or about characters. Most of them are not writers so they don’t get the process parts, but they are gamers/comic nerds/ readers etc. so they understand story and art. Character and monsters.
When I had Necon each year, I knew I had other writers who understood the sitting in an office alone, banging your head against a desk while you try to make the words flow. I had people who were jealous that once I make myself sit down and touch the damn keys… I can easily knock out thousands of words in a couple hours and then walk away.
The physical act of typing and writing is super enjoyable to me and I have no problem with making my mechanical keys clack at high speed.
I live to try to beat my own record… 11,537 words in a single session.
Creative Outlets
I’ve started turning all of my free-time into various art projects. Writing notes for the novel… add maps and drawings of items. Want to create some RPG stuff? Print it and hand bind it into chapbooks/zines. Want to work on characters? Create them and play them through solo RPGs.
I even turned simple games into more complex games.
I mentioned above and last week that I was starting to try out solo TTRPGs. So, instead of just creating a character and running it through the tutorial dungeon… no no, I have to pull out a journal and create a storyline. I make up a complex group of characters, each of which is running through a different dungeon. In another game, Four Against Darkness, I have to create an entire party of adventurers. Too simple. What do I do?
4AD
Haven’t even played the game yet. So, of course I buy like 6 supplement books and start adding on extra rules and more complexity. And then I decide that I’m going to do an entire guild of adventurers, not just a party of four. No, I will make a guild with a score of members, but I will also create the head of this guild who was an adventurer in the past.
And I’ll run adventures in 2 timelines, the guild founder in the past, building his legend and creating his guild, also building up a city as one of its founders. I have another journal and I’m making huge plans… I haven’t even tried to play the game yet. Insane.
Just crazy, but it’s a creative outlet, and I have people who will be interested to talk about it. So, it’s an entry to more social interactions.
Though I seriously need to stop buying new books for 4AD and actually play the damn thing. Especially since I have a third solo RPG (actually 4th if I count the Call of Cthulhu one, I also already have) on the way.
Now I Want to Go Play
Talking about solo RPGs and now I want to go play them.
What I should do I force myself to create the scrivener file for the Dusk novel, and that will get my mind focused back on writing again. (Though really, I am writing a lot on the notes, game work, and solo rpgs).
Let us call it here for today.
Thank you for reading this far.