A Heap of Procrastination, a pinch of Jealousy, and Guilt to Taste.

Journal 92 May 21- June 4, 2023

The novel sits lonely and forlorn. Left to the dark depths of my hard drive as I avoid it through a myriad of other tasks.

I spent two weeks and over 50 hours building a model of the Enterprise. The version from Discovery/Strange New World. It’s lovely and has doubled my confidence with building models… but it sure took up a lot of writing time.

And it sure had me dusting off kits from my back log and also buying a few new ones. (As I write this blog, I have a Darth Vader TIE Fighter half painted and partially put together on the desk beside me and I have more TIE Fighters in the pile).

I haven’t completely forgotten to write though… I have done SOME creative fiction work. I also had a moment of jealousy this week that gave way to some self-doubt and then anger at myself.

Titles

Sometimes I am on fire with titles and sometimes I have to stare at a blank screen for minutes before something sludges free.

Today was a long sludge.

But I think the whole “recipe” feel did hit the salient points and brings us back around to an anecdote.

Jealousy. During my early years of meeting other writers and feeling like a total imposter at various conventions, book signings, and forum interactions; I saw a lot of people who were always pissed of when their peers succeeded. There was always someone who was on a forum or in person who was raging that “So and So is a hack and I’m a better writer, but they just got a agent/book deal/ etc.”

When I was a teen that made sense, feeling left behind and angry. Luckily, I got out of that mindset fast. I turned into the ultimate cheerleader. Always celebrating the deals and successes of my peers/betters.

Jealousy

This week I had a single moment where I twinged… and not at a friend’s success. I was happy about that. No, it was seeing his agents name that got me. My search for an agent started strong (a couple years ago) but it petered out due to half of my list never seeming open to submissions. Of the agents I DID send material to; 3 sent form letters, 1 sent a personal email, and the rest never replied.

My moment of jealousy was seeing that my friend was represented by one of the form letter replies. I had a moment where I was like. “Oh, they could have represented me to a deal like that….” And then it passed, because I don’t allow myself to keep those thoughts.

I just wanted to share this with you.

Writing? Did we….?

I did get some work done over the last two weeks. It just wasn’t on the novel.

I worked on Call of Cthulhu, in last blog I mentioned naming characters and creating various hooks to stories in each of them. Filling in more background/history/and side stories in every character I created.

Well, I spent more time on the city of Kingsport, and then got mad at myself again, because in my last blog I said clearly that I was going to try my hand at using this technique for world building.

To that end, I pulled out my map of Dusk (pictured above as the head banner) and started to figure out neighborhoods and key characters, guilds, organizations, etc. I haven’t got a lot done as I spent a lot of time arguing whether I should number buildings, color code areas, scan the map into a computer (its too damn big for me to do it…) Etc etc.

And then I started pulling out more models and figuring out future builds.

I think my attention has been pulled very thin.

Side Tangent: Back Issues

This is also a part of the problem. I don’t know what it is about my desk chair. Wait. Let me go back a little.

I built a new office at the end of last year and I have a chair that is less than a year old. In my new space I have a three-sided desk, like a giant C (only square). The bottom of the C is my writing desk, the middle is my air booth/ paint racks, and the upper is my hobby desk.

My desk chair sits on a giant pad in the middle and I just rotate around to whatever I need to work on.

What I discovered recently with all the work I put on the Enterprise, is that after a handful of hours my back starts to twinge. Once it starts twinging it will spasm or cramp if I move the wrong way. Some days I don’t feel it and after six hours working on a model, when I get up, my back goes into spasm and I’m screwed. Just worlds of pain. Twinges if I move wrong, the inability to bend forward, etc. etc.

I have a built-in time limit in how much time I can spend in my chair. Which sucks.

I’m trying to find ways around it. Different cushions, wearing a back belt, trying to get up more often and moving around, and so forth. It has been a real problem where I just can’t sit for 2-4 hours writing, another 2-4 hours model building, another hour world building… etc.

I find myself more and more taking notebooks to bed so that I can lay on the heating pad and work on world building while laid up.

Too much info…?

I know, I spend a lot of time in these blogs making excuses.

In any case, I’m still being creative and still moving forward at a glacial pace. Do I wish I had handled things a little differently? Sure. Do I wish my desktop computer hadn’t died and locked away my agents list and query letters for over two years? Yup. Wish I took better care of my back? Indeed.

But I’m not a genie and wishes don’t come true. Hard work makes things happen.

Anyway… I had the idea that I would talk about Star Trek for a little while. I’ve been watching a lot of the old series and I have some notes. But This blog has already reached the point where I normally stop. Perhaps I DO have enough to say that I don’t need to skip weeks?

Perhaps next week I will talk about my journey through the TOS and Enterprise series.

Sorry that this blog on writing is seldom about writing (but to be honest way back in the beginning this website went through three different phases and will probably continue to do so).

Tell stories, love your friends and family, and try to enjoy my ramblings.

Thanks for reading this far.