Do I Carry On?

Journal 133 4-10 Nov. 2024

I’m going to talk frankly in this one.

Probably be an annoying post, and I don’t know if I’ll give you my D&D character talk at the end or not. Maybe we keep this post as real as it can be…?

Or maybe I just vent for a little bit and then go on like normal?

I now realize that the past few months I’ve been teetering on the edge of depression. I ignored it by staying positive and finding joy in various things.

The Signs

I’ve pushed off starting the novel through procrastination. Sure. But also due to a pervasive sense of dread. A feeling that tells me I’m unworthy, or incapable. Or just that I can’t focus on it.

And I can’t focus because my emotions and mind are fighting against me. Subtly at first, over months, clawing away at my reserves. Breaking my armor. Undoing all the work I did while back in college.

My media consumption is in proportion to my need to escape from reality. And escape from the treacheries of my own mind. The projects I work on are “gasps of need.” They focus me for a short while. They take my mind off things and allow me a moment of peace. But over time I find I can’t maintain them. I need to switch up foci, or jump back and forth from little joys.

Would of/Should of

I should have been able to get through this. Most of my triggers are also based on the weather and the time of the year. I always got worse during the late autumn and winter. But the last few years I have been fairly happy through the winters and I thought I had finally shook off the “winter depression” or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I was literally oblivious to my depression this year… or I was lying well enough to make it through.

Until this week.

And typing that… I only now realize it has only been a single week. Just a handful of days and any hope, any armor, and my drive has been shattered. Torn open and revealed. The hidden forced to the surface.

To Rant or Not to Rant

There is a part of me that wants to lash out and scream. But the logical part, the one that is emotionally detached that allows me to wear my mask in public, can read the situation.

While I know the election results are skewed… I know for a fact that 74 million people did NOT vote for Trump…. Still, the number that actually did is “disheartening” (I’ll restrain myself from the words I actually want to use).

I’m not going to waste a lot of time talking about how unfit the man is… hell, he wasn’t worthy of the office back in 2016, and he is worse now. With age, dementia, and the literal weight of his crimes behind him.

Downfall

No need to talk about how the Republican party has been festering and dying since Nixon really… but more so when the Tea Party infected it, and the last 10 years have just destroyed it. It is not the party my grandfather taught me about.

I don’t need to write you an entire essay on how conservativism has historically stagnated and destroyed cultures/empires. Though I could easily drop about ten thousand words on the topic. From Sparta, to 15^/16th century China, to America.

It needs to be balanced, and the balance is gone. Its broken. What is considered the “center” is not the center and is skewed to the right.

But its not about “conservative ideals” anymore. The party is no longer about anything. It pretends it still has morality, faith, Truth and Law. All of those ideals are gone. All of those values were sold off more than a decade ago. They’re gone.

Again, I could go through thousands of words striping and laying out facts and verse. But that is not the point of this blog. Right?

I was talking about quitting.

Do I continue?

Right now, my brain is full of fear, anger, and the whispers as I try to predict the future. Knowing that the economy will crash and fail again, worrying about losing my health insurance, my house, and other issues.

Part of me thinks that nuking this site and staying isolated is the better choice. It doesn’t cost a lot to keep the domain, but that’s still money I will need for gas and food. And as things get worse, I’ll probably write less and less.

Failure

I’ll fail the handful of you that keep reading this stupid shit.

I started this site because it was part of the degree. “You need website to promote books, to talk with readers, to etc etc.”

I’m not getting published and the few chances I took to find an agent either failed, or they disappeared. And yeah, I was finishing my degree and hunting for an agent during the height of covid and the year after.

Not good times and things are better now. Except for my mind, that is not so better. Sending out the letters to agents now, is even more difficult. And seriously, even if I did manage to sell some books, would I improve?

Deep Breath, Step Back

I am stronger than this.

I haven’t revealed all the thoughts in my mind. I’ll keep the bulk of my baggage and pain to myself.

That said. I know it’s only been ONE WEEK. And We have a few months of peace to still enjoy. I have some holidays that might be fun. I can hide for a while yet.

So, do I continue?

At the very least I have about four or six months left until I have to renew my domain. I’ll keep this alive for that long. I can see a few glimmers of hope. Maybe it will be enough to push myself forward.

I have so much more I need to vent, but I’ll stop myself from doing so here.

As is, this post is one that they say you should never make. You’ll lose people. Ha. I only have a handful of friends and family who read this. A handful of strangers from time to time. I prefer honesty.

Accountability

This blog was started to hold me accountable to word counts. To shame me wheni didn’t write or reach my goals.

And it is my sense of accountability… my belief that the guilty should be punished that has made me so worked up in the first place. The rich and powerful pay no penalties. Break laws on TV, confess to their crimes, and don’t even get a slap on the wrist. A felon can run for president. And he only ran because of his narcissism and because he literally is desperate not to die in jail.

It disgusts me when the guilty face no consequences. When the unlawful get away with crimes, and when the powerful abuse their position. I really hate it when cops lie or break the law. When they tarnish everyone else with their actions. Are all cops bad? No. But they allow the bad to hide among them and rot the whole.

Looking at our Supreme Court and its flagrant corruption, perjury, self-entitlement, and misuse of the law makes me want to rage.

Digression Rant…. Sorry

I did not mean to go back into a rant.

If you didn’t know that I rarely plan out these blogs, you know now. I’m putting my thoughts directly on the page. With some editing and a little self-control.

I think I’ve gone far enough.

I have more D&D Character stories. We had 2 good games this week, mostly, and I managed to forget my issues during one of them. The other happened during election night, so I was a bit distracted.

I’ll tell those stories next time I post. And I will post again. I’m going to try and post every week from now until my renewal comes up. I’m hoping I can repair/rebuild my armor and get my mind into a better place. I might skip a few here and there.

But the effort will be made to pretend that all is alright and normal.

So, look forward to more character stories. Also, some k-drama talk, probably comic talk, and movies.

I’m putting the mask back on, and if you managed to read this far without giving up in disgust, thank you.